1
00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,480
APPLAUSE

2
00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:13,320
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

3
00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:16,280
And welcome back to
the Cornley Drama Festival.

4
00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:19,120
Once again, apologies for the sign.

5
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:22,720
We have had a fantastic
response to the festival with seven

6
00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:25,760
people writing in to tell us
<font color="

7
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:29,600
and thousands of other people
also writing in.

8
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:35,520
I've given the horse too many
tranquilisers.

9
00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:38,040
That is not my problem tonight.

10
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:41,240
Because first up, we are
in the hands of Sandra Wilkinson.

11
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:45,040
APPLAUSE

12
00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:48,800
<font color="

13
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,320
Unique.

14
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,400
WHISPERS: Moist.

15
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,920
What do these words have in common?

16
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:03,280
They've all been used to
describe my voice, so I've written

17
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:07,400
a radio play to present this
evening, not as some have suggested

18
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:11,600
because I am in the running to be
<font color="

19
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,960
although I am down to the final 80,

20
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,680
but because I would love nothing
more than to share with you

21
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,400
how audio drama is made.

22
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:23,400
So, please enjoy
A Talented Woman Awakens.

23
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:30,160
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

24
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:34,120
<font color="

25
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,880
Well, that roast beef was
absolutely delicious, Dad.

26
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,480
It certainly was, Deborah.

27
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:49,760
I adored those Yorkshire puddings
almost as much as the crisp

28
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:55,960
golden potatoes and creamy yet fiery
horseradish sauce, 2.99.

29
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,680
<font color="

30
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:02,040
CUTLERY RATTLES

31
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,560
Deborah, I meant to tell you,

32
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,720
I'll be hosting the talent show
at the village fete this year.

33
00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:10,640
Well, you should enter that,
darling, you're ever so talented.

34
00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:13,560
I couldn't do that, Mum.

35
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:15,040
<font color="

36
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,680
There's more to you
than your sensational looks.

37
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,200
You also have a fantastic
speaking voice,

38
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:23,440
and you own your own Pitchtone B
podcasting microphone.

39
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,520
Let me pour you a cup of tea, Dad.

40
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,960
<font color="

41
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,520
Milk? Just a spot.

42
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,960
COW MOOS

43
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:48,600
Maybe you're right, maybe I should
enter the talent competition.

44
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,200
I just wish I...

45
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,200
MAN COUGHS

46
00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:55,240
..had more confidence.

47
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,080
<font color="

48
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,320
And you're ever so talented.

49
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,320
Now, come on, Dad, it's well past...

50
00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:12,680
..your bedtime. Onto the stairlift.

51
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:18,840
MICROWAVE HUMS

52
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,120
PING!

53
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:34,640
Now, let's get you tucked in.

54
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,800
Goodnight, Dad. I'll shut the door.

55
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,880
CREAK

56
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:46,440
<font color="

57
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,760
See you in the morning.

58
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:57,760
SHE PLAYS "MORNING"
FROM PEER GYNT

59
00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,760
BIRDS TWITTER

60
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,880
Cockadoodle-do!

61
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:06,400
Good morning, Mum.

62
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:10,800
Morning, darling.
You're ever so talented.

63
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:15,040
FIRES THREE SHOTS

64
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,640
<font color="

65
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:19,640
Good morning, miss.

66
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,840
Miguel, how are you, my dear?

67
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:26,480
I am sad because I know
I will never be enough for you.

68
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:30,200
Oh, Miguel, our relationship
is too passionate.

69
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,680
SLURPING

70
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:38,840
I have seen there is to be
<font color="

71
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,960
Soon I will lose you to celebrity.

72
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,360
My talent is too...

73
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,920
SPRAYING

74
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:53,320
My talent is too wild to be...

75
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,040
SPRAYING

76
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,360
Huh!

77
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:09,000
My talent is too wild to be caged.
I must perform.

78
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,000
<font color="

79
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:16,200
Come, mount this stallion with me.
We shall ride to the village fete.

80
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:17,440
Wake up.

81
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,080
HORSE NEIGHS GENTLY

82
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,360
PILLS RATTLE

83
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:28,480
Clippity-clop, clippity-clop! Neigh!

84
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,160
Neigh!

85
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,920
Here we are at the village fete.

86
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,760
<font color="
for the hoedown.

87
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:41,440
HOEDOWN MUSIC

88
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:51,360
I do hope everyone is enjoying
the Barnesbury village fete so far.

89
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,560
SPEAKS GIBBERISH

90
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,800
Yeah, just brilliant.

91
00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:02,200
And huge congratulations to
Benny Webber who correctly spelt

92
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:06,840
<font color="
this year's spelling bee.

93
00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:12,360
I-N-C-O-M-M-P-

94
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:16,880
-E-T-E-N-T-

95
00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:25,240
-E-N-T-E-N-T...E.

96
00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,840
Incompetence.

97
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,640
And next up in the talent show,

98
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:38,800
we have Peter Bodkin
with his one-man clog dance.

99
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:43,200
<font color="

100
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,840
BANGING

101
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:50,600
FAST RHYTHMIC CLATTERING

102
00:06:57,280 --> 00:07:01,640
APPLAUSE

103
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,560
A round of applause for Peter.

104
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,160
BANGING AND RATTLING

105
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:15,120
Next up will be my very
own daughter, who will be

106
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:20,160
reciting the entirety of Alfred
<font color="

107
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:24,120
Are you ready to perform,
my darling?

108
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,840
I'm a little bit nervous.

109
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:27,320
Don't be nervous.

110
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:33,120
Look at the beautiful sunshine
and listen to the birds singing.

111
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,240
GUNSHOT

112
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:38,880
Ladies and gentlemen, here she is,

113
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:43,520
<font color="
vocal range, Deborah Davies.

114
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,160
SHE GASPS

115
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,040
SHE SPLUTTERS

116
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,480
SHE COUGHS

117
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:01,720
Aaaargh!

118
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,600
SHE GASPS

119
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,920
Fantastic.

120
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:10,480
And the scores are in.
And the winner is...

121
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,680
<font color="
A round of applause, please.

122
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,840
COW MOOS

123
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:19,760
GUNSHOT

124
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,480
HORN TOOTS

125
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,680
There is a storm brewing!

126
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,120
Thank you for coming.

127
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,400
And now a word of congratulations
from our mayor.

128
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:56,800
SILENCE

129
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,240
<font color="
of an extraordinary career.

130
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,920
Advertising executives
and voice-over agents

131
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,520
will be calling you every day.

132
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:14,000
On 07700 900 381.

133
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:19,080
HOARSE AND HIGH-PITCHED:

134
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:19,080
My talent has been awakened.

135
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:34,960
SHE SOBS

136
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:39,360
<font color="

137
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:42,800
Next up is my...

138
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:49,400
Next up is my play.
I wrote it myself.

139
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:53,080
I would like to thank Trevor
for providing the special effects.

140
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:55,960
My play is called...

141
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:59,040
..Toothpaste, 1.99.

142
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,760
Sorry, that's a receipt.

143
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,560
<font color="

144
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,920
..Toothpaste, 1.69.

145
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:09,840
Enjoy.

146
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,680
APPLAUSE

147
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,400
Hello, how much is this toothpaste?

148
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,840
1.69.

149
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:34,640
APPLAUSE

150
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:43,840
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

151
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:49,520
Well, I think we can all agree

152
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:53,200
there are still some cuts
<font color="

153
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,520
Next up, we have Annie Twilloil.

154
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:02,320
Now, people often say we take things
too seriously at the Cornley

155
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,800
Drama Society
but that wasn't always the case.

156
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:11,000
The original troupe performed
a comedy as recently as 1979.

157
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,400
<font color="
to step outside our comfort zone

158
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:21,000
and revisit that
laugh out loud romp tonight.

159
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:25,320
This farce has been
classified as Grade C Bawdy

160
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:30,000
so some of the more graphic
jokes have had to be censored

161
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:34,880
<font color="
decency guidelines.

162
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:39,280
So, please enjoy
the classic '70s farce entitled

163
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:43,880
An Upstanding Member in
a Tight Spot in the Back Office.

164
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:50,440
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

165
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,000
Good morning, Mr Carmichael.

166
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,920
Good morning, Miss Pennyforth.

167
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,440
<font color="

168
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:04,080
Ooh, frightfully windy day today,
isn't it? Brrrrr!

169
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,120
Miss Pennyforth,
have you got a date tonight?

170
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:10,480
Oh, yes, sir, a whole bag full.

171
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,320
COMEDY TRUMPET

172
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:17,440
What is she like! Now, tell me,
what appointments do I have today?

173
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,960
<font color="
having a bit of how's your father?

174
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,680
Oh.

175
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:26,280
And at 11:05, you've got a meeting
with the Archbishop of Canterbury.

176
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,840
So, we've only got
five minutes together?

177
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,200
Yes, I thought that would give me

178
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:33,160
<font color="
on paperwork.

179
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,640
RIM SHOT

180
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,320
What is she like!

181
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:40,920
Don't forget, the Archbishop
is terrified of bees.

182
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,240
So I best remove these.

183
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,720
Good thinking, Miss Pennyforth.

184
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,200
And the Prince of Wales
<font color="

185
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,440
to present you with your OBE.

186
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,800
COMEDY XYLOPHONE

187
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,520
The Prince of Wales?

188
00:12:54,520 --> 00:13:00,920
We best cancel my meeting with
Norman Norde, the nudist Lord.

189
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,680
Yes, Mr Carmichael.

190
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:07,400
Dr Rod Problem dropped round
these little blue pills?

191
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,760
<font color="

192
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,160
Little blue pills.

193
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:22,160
Those are for my downstairs problem.

194
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,240
The leak in the basement?

195
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,040
COMEDY MUSIC

196
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,840
I'll leave them
in this drinks cabinet next

197
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,120
to your anti-anxiety medication.

198
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:37,320
Careful,
<font color="

199
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,160
I better go and put on a tie.

200
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,160
Let me help you with that.

201
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,480
Thank you, Miss Pennyforth.

202
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,680
BLEEP! Ooh!

203
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:57,080
Righty-oh, then. Time
to clean these windows.

204
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,920
Oh, these blooming bees.

205
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,280
BEES BUZZ

206
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:07,760
<font color="
incompetent.

207
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,640
What are you doing?

208
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,360
I'm the spelling bees.

209
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:16,640
Hey, hey, hey, you stop buzzing
in my face! Out of it! Out of it!

210
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,280
You, pack it in!

211
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:25,040
Blooming 'eck!
Someone has left the window open.

212
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,040
<font color="
all over the back office.

213
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:32,960
I best get in there and clean it
up before someone slips over.

214
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,240
What a palaver!

215
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,840
COMEDY MUSIC

216
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:42,440
QUIETLY: Right,
I think that's us done.

217
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:51,320
Oh, Mrs Carmichael, Leader
<font color="

218
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:55,840
Hope you don't mind, I've popped
in your back corridor. Passage.

219
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:57,880
I've popped in your back passage.

220
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:00,200
RIM SHOT

221
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:00,200
You're early.

222
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:04,240
Makes a change, it's usually
you who gets here early. Comes.

223
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:05,840
RIM SHOT

224
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,520
<font color="

225
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,160
Oh, yes, you know
I love a strong one.

226
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,720
A stiff one.

227
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,320
RIM SHOT

228
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,160
KNOCK AT DOOR

229
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:19,200
Oooooh!

230
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:20,800
RIM SHOT

231
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:25,760
Why are there soap suds
all over this floor?

232
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:28,680
<font color="

233
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:32,600
Oh, dear, I don't think
things could get any worse.

234
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,280
My mother is coming to
stay for the weekend.

235
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,160
Looks like I spoke too soon.

236
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:38,720
RIM SHOT

237
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,520
I brought you these flowers
for you to give to her.

238
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:42,760
<font color="

239
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,280
God, she's awake.
Where are the tranquilisers?

240
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:46,560
HORSE NEIGHS

241
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:51,400
Well, I best get back to
the Commons. Goodbye, darling.

242
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,480
It's 11 o'clock.

243
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,600
Time for us BLEEP.

244
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,800
I've forgotten my bag.

245
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:04,520
<font color="
hide in the wardrobe.

246
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,520
BLEEP.

247
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,840
BLEEP. BLEEP.

248
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,440
BLEEP. BLEEP.

249
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:16,680
Oh, Mr Carmichael. Oh! Oh!
Oooh! Ooh!

250
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:21,880
I've forgotten my bag.

251
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:24,960
Oh.

252
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,840
<font color="

253
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,240
I don't think things
could get any worse.

254
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,480
HORSE NEIGHS

255
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,480
Everybody, stand back!

256
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:37,960
HORSE NEIGHS

257
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,760
Oh, crikey, I just bought
these shoes from the cobblers.

258
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,800
And they don't half squeak.

259
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,680
SHOES SQUEAK

260
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,000
<font color="
is coming to give me my O...

261
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,200
SHOES SQUEAK

262
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,200
..OBE. And we can't have

263
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,200
soap suds all over the place.

264
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:08,200
COMEDY MUSIC

265
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,200
You've smashed the window!

266
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,280
Oh, it's let in a gale.

267
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,640
WIND HOWLS

268
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,280
<font color="

269
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,160
It's blown off our trousers.

270
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:09,920
KNOCK AT DOOR

271
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:13,720
The Archbishop!
Quick, hide in the wardrobe!

272
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:15,760
SHOES SQUEAK

273
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:19,200
SHOES SQUEAK

274
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:24,240
Morning, Carmichael. Cor blimey,
why aren't you wearing
trousers, Carmichael?

275
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:28,600
<font color="
all the rage, Archbishop.

276
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,360
I'm pleased to hear it. Wow!

277
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,880
Now, Carmichael, I have to
tell you about something that

278
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,640
happened to me on the way here.

279
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,800
I came out of my front door and
<font color="

280
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:45,320
BLEEP with BLEEP...
right up the cloisters.

281
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,680
Now, Carmichael, I'm here to
talk to you about not building that

282
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,440
atheist car park over
<font color="

283
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:54,840
But what's this?

284
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,640
A contract from Car Parks Limited
about building an atheist car

285
00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:59,440
park over Canterbury Cathedral?

286
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,800
This is a disgrace, Carmichael.

287
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:04,520
I'm telephoning the Vatican
and when they get hold of you,

288
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:10,160
<font color="
when I saw the Pope BLEEP.

289
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:12,040
I said... BLEEP...

290
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,760
..raw buttocks.

291
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,800
Oh, Mr Carmichael,
I'm starting to panic.

292
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,520
I don't like being in tight spaces.

293
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,360
Nor do I.

294
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,360
<font color="

295
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:34,080
Here, take one of my
anti-anxiety pills.

296
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,880
SLOW SAXOPHONE MUSIC

297
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,720
Mr Carmichael!

298
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,480
Quick!

299
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:46,760
BOTH: Ooooh!

300
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,480
I've forgotten my hat.

301
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,480
Here you go, darling.

302
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:54,440
Carmichael!

303
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,880
<font color="
my meeting with Norman Norde,

304
00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,280
the nudist Lord.

305
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,560
BLEEP.

306
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,720
What's going on, Carmichael?

307
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,640
Oooh-oooh-ooh!

308
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,280
BLEEP...

309
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,600
What was all that about, Carmichael?

310
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,000
Don't go near the window.

311
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,720
<font color="

312
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,400
Hey!

313
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,200
Hey!

314
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,440
Hey, wha....!

315
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:30,880
Whaaaaargh! Oh!

316
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:33,800
Oh, it's blown off my trousers!

317
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,480
Oh! Ooh!

318
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:37,040
How embarrassing!

319
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,640
Oh!

320
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,720
How embarrassing.

321
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,480
Sorry about that, Archbishop.

322
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:48,560
<font color="
with my apologies.

323
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,440
Thank you, Carmichael.

324
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,440
BUZZING

325
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:51,960
But what's that noise?

326
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,200
Oh, no!

327
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,040
Incompetent!

328
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:02,280
Bee! Bee! Bee!

329
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:07,200
Bees! Bees!

330
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,040
I'm being chased by a bee.

331
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,360
<font color="

332
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,520
HORSE NEIGHS

333
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,440
Here! Take one of my
anti-anxiety pills.

334
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:21,040
Thank you, Carmichael.
Could you give me a pill?

335
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,880
One. Could you give me one?

336
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:24,200
RIM SHOT

337
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:32,720
SLOW SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS

338
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,640
Oooh! Ooh! Ooh!

339
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:39,000
<font color="

340
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,640
Oh, for the horse!

341
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,640
I'm here, Carmichael.

342
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,200
A French maid?
A window cleaner?

343
00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:00,240
The Archbishop of Canterbury?
And the Leader of the Opposition?

344
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,280
All at it in the
Chief Whip's office?

345
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:07,200
After seeing this,
<font color="

346
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,880
I'll have to give you a knighthood!

347
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:14,680
COMEDY VERSION OF RULE
BRITANNIA PLAYS

348
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,600
HE LAUGHS FEEBLY

349
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,880
Heh-heh-heh!

350
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,880
MUSIC ENDS

351
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,120
Heh-heh-heh!

352
00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:24,560
Heh-heh-heh!

353
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,160
HE LAUGHS FEEBLY

354
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:30,920
<font color="

355
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:35,360
That was a farce.

356
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:40,000
Now, as you can see, we do appear to
be down a few members of the cast.

357
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:46,520
Trevor and I will be taking them
to AandE now. But do not fear...

358
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:51,640
But do not fear, the festival
will continue with Jonathan's piece.

359
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:57,520
<font color="
which-which-which...

360
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:01,520
..which would have included
the whole cast.

361
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:05,360
And it's about a circus. Enjoy.

362
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,920
APPLAUSE

363
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:14,320
MUSIC BEGINS

364
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:17,560
Roll-up, roll-up,
come and enjoy the show!

365
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:22,800
<font color="

366
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,280
Ricky, Jenny! OK!

367
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,040
Come on, guys, let's have a song.

368
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,280
I'll play the keys, you sing along.

369
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,120
Piano?

370
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:37,760
No?

371
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:39,520
OK!

372
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:44,840

thrills and delights

373
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,520

<font color="

374
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,840


375
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,680


376
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:55,280

riding the line

377
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:58,800

with magic, of course

378
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,360

here with my horse

379
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:06,080
<font color="
I'll throw you to bits

380
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:09,680

doing the splits...

381
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,480
Oh, my God. Amazing.

382
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,520
What a talent.

383
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,840


384
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:23,120


385
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:27,440


386
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:30,400
<font color="

387
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:34,200
Take it, Jimmy,
with your amazing juggling!

388
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:44,720


389
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:48,880

turn it around...

390
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,680
Wow, that's amazing. Incredible.

391
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:55,600

is my thing

392
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,840
<font color="
I like to sing...

393
00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:05,640
Now, go, Missy, with your mime.

394
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,280
Hell, yeah!

395
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:33,240
Now, Tony, show us
your skills on the unicycle.

396
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,240


397
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,160


398
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,760
<font color="
that's only one wheel

399
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:45,160

but my heart is made of steel

400
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,280

but things got real...

401
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,840
Oh, God!

402
00:25:56,800 --> 00:26:00,000


403
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,240


404
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:07,040
<font color="

405
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,800


406
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:14,280
Now, Matty,
marvel us with your magic.

407
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,480
APPLAUSE

408
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:54,360


409
00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:57,920


410
00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:01,680


411
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:05,280


412
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:12,960
<font color="
a circus supreeeeeeme!

413
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:17,040
LAUGHTER

414
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:20,320
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING